3:10

3:10, too late to be up my dear
Riot gear cash cow, don't you just bring the fear
With a tight install base, you got it just right
In those bastard's sights, Lord just might smite it
And grant you a well deserved respite
Seems like, song keeps droning
No new news, old news, build your building, but first call zoning
They'll have your head for this, you know what happened last time-
Crisis, crime, scraping grime off your life as you see your own light at tunnel's end

Now I have never, called in to question, the possessions and repossessions
Playing tricks on your own secession
So let me have my time, 3:09
Get back to bed, you Deadhead, redead army
It isn't time

3:09

Condemned: Criminal Origins

I think violence in video games is something we now take for granted in some respects. There's the ongoing Jack Thompson-led battles to convince us that our games are indeed driving us to insanity, but that's it. The only issue anyone really takes with the violence in our games are the disgruntled, misunderstanding outsiders who believe it's just too violent. Playing Condemned made me realize there's another facet of video game violence we often miss: the emotional impact of violence. It's been touched on in games like the Metal Gear Solid series, but never, I think, in the way this has. Violence is a means to an end for gamers. Devil May Cry, for all it's fun, is basically a flashy action film where any individual kill barely leaves a memory. I do not believe this is always a bad thing; not in the slightest. We need gaming's Total Recalls to it's Saving Private Ryans. Otherwise, it'd all be dire, depressing material. But I think that's where I appreciated Condemned the most: for making me feel repulsed, disgusted, sometimes even sorry for the violence I was committing on the screen.

Condemned was really messing with my emotions all throughout the 10+ hour experience. The manipulation of fear is obviously central to the experience of a horror-themed, and Monolith proves they have an excellent grasp on how to do it. In a game with a central theme of tracking a serial killer while stalking dark, decaying buildings and battling deranged druggies, I could really tell Monolith was taking generously from the Silence of the Lambs pot. The effective atmospheric effects create a sense that an enemy could come from any locked door, maybe even right behind you. So much of the game reminded me of the final confrontation between Clarice Starling and Buffalo Bill in the basement, and I found that fascinating.

Much like Silence of the Lambs, Condemned uses it's brutal violence to back up that sense of fear. After all, without the threat of consequence, what is there to really fear? The violence within Condemned was so harsh that it sometimes made me want to avoid fights. I think there are many contributing factors to this. I think part of it is that the violence itself is so stripped down. We're used shooters where we take down the enemy with a bullet from a few feet away. In Condemned, you're beating down deranged hobos with nail-covered 2X4's and lead pipes. The combat is given a sense of weight and impact, helped along by the game's Breakdown-esque manipulation of the first person camera. Motion blurs occur at appropriate moments, while choice points in the game involve vomiting on the floor and being thrown down stairs with the appropriate twists and turns of the camera. On top of that, the game tells the bulk of it's story without reverting to cutscenes. The game's story in an of itself seems to take place within the span of a single night.

One of the most interesting aspects of the game's visuals is it's use of "psychological effects". Without warning (and loading times, surprisingly) the world around you will suddenly change from nightmarish to even more so in Silent Hill fashion. One of the spookiest moments in the game involved entering a room owned by a stalker of the main character and seeing brief flashes of walls covered in photos. But Monolith managed to add more to these moments than a scarier paint job, going so far as to slowing your movements, an extremely effective trick for fostering a sense of helplessness.

Ironically, the game doesn't even play much like an FPS at all. If anything, the combat is most analogous to a late 80's/early 90's arcade brawler like Streets of Rage. Fights often boil down to drunken strikes with makeshift weapons. Finding firearms is a rarity, and even then, are disposable due to the complete lack of ammunition. Unfortunately, the combat can often feel slippery and difficult to control, and often falls apart when multiple enemies are brought in. Your slow movements in-game make it difficult to handle more than one attacker. While the game was obviously developed to be slower paced, being a first person game developed with consoles in mind first, the enemies don't seem to accommodate this as much as I would like them to. Beyond the mechanics of the game, the combat leaves a strong impression due to how brutal it is. Your usual enemies are clearly insane; they'll scream and swear loudly while relentlessly following you. The heavy sounds, camera, and violence level all contributes to pretty unsettling fights with finishing moves that leave your opponent with a broken neck. It's the kind of violence that keeps itself from jumping straight over the top, but disturbing enough to give you the appropriate chills.

I didn't really know what to expect when I bought Condemned, but I came out pretty satisfied. I think I value the horror game that can truly grab and manipulate my emotions the most, and Condemned worked beautifully in that regard. The story's somewhat abrupt ending and the potential for improvement in the game has left me wanting more, and I certainly hope to get my hands on the sequel in the near future.

9/10

I Don't Get It

Playing video games competitively has always been a concept I could never quite wrap my head around. Any time I could spend "training" with Street Fighter 2 to show off on the anime convention tournament circuit would be, at least in my opinion, better spent playing the million other games I haven't actually played yet. That's probably why I just don't like fighting games. Whatever depth in the combat there is, I don't want to spend the hours learning it all.

I've come to understand that games like Virtua Fighter 5 aren't for me. They're games designed for the perfectionists who get their kicks learning every combo in the book. The late-nighters holed up in your local anime con gaming room while hitting on underage catgirls and munching on strawbery filth-drenched Pocky crackers. The tournament kids who live for the hot-blooded Guilty Gear contests with ill-defined prizes. The cool kids of the gaming room. In their own way, they're the closest people who know what the hell a "Guilty Gear" is to embodying the famed alpha male of 4chan. Did you see that combo? It was so cash.

Me, I'm left out in the dust. I got about as far as memorization of the Izuna Drop before my brain shut down and let the Flying Swallow do the work. I just smile and nod. Despite the rampant insanity and pederasty apparent in the very eyes of these damned human beings, the face of terror is not here. Well, not here in this specific group of people. But in this room of flashing DDR machines and 50 screens running Naruto games, the true unspeakable Lovecraftian horror resides in the dark, scary Super Smash Brothers corner.

What is it that drives these people? Indeed, the people who have latched on to Smash Brothers the most are indeed the exact opposite of it's intended audience. Fighting games are ultimately a niche designed for the most obsessed. Smash Brothers was designed as a fighting game for people who don't like fighting games, much in the same way that Mario Kart is a racing game for people who don't like racing games, and Mario Party is a game for people who don't like fun video games. So what is it that gives people the idea that it's the kind of game that you should be pouring your heart and soul into?

The insanity of the situation is pretty self-evident. In Mario Kart, any success you find thanks to that golden mushroom can easily be undone by a randomly-shot blue shell. Likewise, Smash Bros is a game where victory is never guaranteed by skill. No matter how good you are, you're finished the second some bright-eyed newbie picks up hammer or successfully summons a Snorlax from the bowels of Pokemon hell. Nintendo practically screamed at the tournament players to stop this nonsense by adding tripping in Brawl. Needless to say, people were angry. But yet, they still play. A game where each character has little more than 3 moves and final smashes can cover the entire screen with no way to block. And yet, they studiously play. Madness.

Game Log #6

A week.

- Finally got myself a copy of Killer7. Possibly against my better judgment, I settled on the PS2 version (that being the only one available at the store). I don't quite have anything to judge it on, but the loading times are horrendous. So far, I'm definitely on the side of "this game is actually awesome", though I can certainly see how this would be a game that isn't for everyone. I'm just a total sucker for surrealism, unconventional gameplay, and assassin stories. Anything that can put those hands together is alright in my book.

- Went apeshit and bought Ninja Gaiden Black and Devil May Cry, two action games I've seriously been missing out on. Black was a huge gamble, being that the 360 has supposedly bad emulation of Black, and I had not heard much of anything about whether it was fixed with the XBox Originals version. I've been skeptical of buying original Xbox discs, as I'd never played an Xbox game on 360 that just ran perfectly. Hell, even the Halo games had problems. Awful slowdown during multiplayer, texture pop-in, etc. But so far, playing NG Black from the hard drive has been working surprisingly well. It runs as well (I imagine) as it did on the original Xbox. I think I might look into buying more of these via live, despite the tremendous ripoff of paying $15 dollars for games you can find in bargain bins for $10 or less. So far, I've broken 2 remote control playing these fucking games.

- Likewise, played a little Gungrave: Overdose. I can overlook the tremendous slowdown and nonsense story in favor of GUITAR THAT SHOOTS LIGHTING BOLTS and BLIND SAMURAI and METAL COFFIN THAT'S ALSO A ROCKET GUN.

- Sparkster for the Sega Genesis. I dunno. The music is awesome.

Game Log #5

The horror...

-After stopping by the local used game store and picking up a used copy of Silent Hill 2 (in a crappy plastic box with nothing but a photocopy of the disc on the front), I beat the whole game in what was more or less a mad day-long marathon. I have alot to say about. I may even write an article at some point on my thoughts about the game. All I know is that I'll probably be picking up Silent Hill 3 and 4 very soon.

Up next, possibly the first two Tenchu games (which I purchased for $3 each at said store). Also, trading in my old PSX for some extra cash. Not much, but at least it's something.

Electric Bibleland: Wisdom Tree Funpack #1

Sometimes, people make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes involve making Christian-themed video games. Whenever that happens, we're there. This... is Electric Bibleland.

Color Dreams: Licensed by Awesome

Everyone knows this, right? A familiar sight to anyone who ever owned a Nintendo system, the Nintendo Seal of Quality (now simply called The Nintendo Seal in order to reflect Nintendo's "WE'LL TAKE ANY PIECE OF SHIT GAME YOU WANT TO SELL" attitude) has appeared on every cartridge and game box for Nintendo's hardware. Well, not exactly. You see, the Seal is there to say that Nintendo has licensed and approved this game for release, which applied to just about everybody. Everybody, that is, except for Color Dreams.

Founded in 1989 by former child porn actors Eddie Lin, Phil Mikkelson and Dan Lawton, the Color Dreams crew didn't have the cash or technical know-how to license their games from Nintendo. So, like any brilliant cadre of illegal porn stars would do, they decided to go renegade, maybe even underground, and bring their games to the public unlicensed. No Nintendo Seal of Quality for us. We're EDGY. Color Dreams themselves went on to spawn a bunch of shitty shit including Baby Boomers (an early edutainment title about premature ejaculation), Robo Demons (the only shooter in the world where your main weapon actually fires AWAY from your enemies), and even an entirely different label (Bunch Games), used as a front to release even shittier games so no one would associate Color Dreams with anything but QUALITY.

As fun as it would be to write an article about Color Dreams alone, this is Jesus Time. We can't bother ourselves with this ungermane secular bullshit when we're here to talk about THE LORD (John 14:23). So, knowing that in the future one David D. and company would be in desperate need of an article to write, Color Dreams formed another, totally new and exciting label. Hoping to break into the a new, more different market (being that Nintendo was bringing the hammer down on retailers stocking unlicensed games), Wisdom Tree was formed to tap into the demographic of religious parents who probably don't own an NES in the first place.

It was a different time back then. Video games were manufactured by SATAN Inc. and sold to our children by scary pimps who stood in shady street corners. If you owned a Nintendo, gay Mexican atheist immigrants would come to your house and KILL YOU. Then steal your job. But back to Wisdom Tree. Thanks to the wonders of emulation (fuck if I'm gonna pay for any of this shit), children all over the world can again experience the joys of playing video games that are exactly like other video games except they have Jesus in them. Much like Christian Rock music, you'll notice a running theme in these religious games articles: most of these games are clones of other, more well known gaming franchises. But don't let that discourage you! Read on.

Spiritual Warfare

Have you ever thought about how awesome it would be if you took your old, worn out Legend of Zelda cartridge and pooped on it? Apparently Wisdom Tree did, too. But unlike you, a boring underachieving nerd, Wisdom Tree payed attention to the inspirational poster at the dentist's office and acted upon their dreams of mass produced cartridge defecation. Spirtual Warfare is a game with a plot so complex and spiritually fulfilling, you'll only find it on the wikipedia page. As far as I can tell, it's a game about finding the Armor Of God (starring Jackie Chan) while throwing produce at scary warez pimps in order to turn them into red-headed robed men who like to kneel a lot.Along the way, you'll also battle down syndrome suffers in green overalls, down syndrome sufferers who hide behind rocks and throw devils at you, and men in wheelchairs in your epic quest to do... something. You don't need to know what that something is, cause whatever it is, God's cool with it. Wisdom Tree PR and God are pretty tight, ya know? Gotta keep an eye on their target demographic.

Spiritual Warfare is 1:1 The Legend of Zelda. Swap the swords with the different fruits. The bombs show up as bizarre golden pots that just explode for some reason. For all those relics in Zelda that allowed you progress (i.e. Power Bracelet, The Raft, etc.), Spiritual Warfare's got it's religious counterpart. How about Anointing Oil? The Belt of Truth? Samson's Jawbone (seriously what?) And of course, what better analogy for rupees than dove icons that represent how spiritually awesome you are?

I find your lack of faith disturbing, Appleheadman!

Some of you (ye of little faith, as it were), are probably asking yourself "Wull Dave, what does all of this have to do with the bible?" First of all, you shouldn't address a question to me and instead send it to yourself, cause that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And second of all, ever heard of a little thing called bible quizzes?Apparently this man has! This is a game about being touched by an angel. An angel who's only purpose is to make sure our hero (who is apparently this horrible, terrible looking man) is up on his bible factoids. Spiritual Warfare is a game about faith and love. It's a game about being Zelda without actually being Zelda. It's a game about feeling strong about right and wrong; maybe even about being a Real American. But most of all, it's about you, the player.

ExodusYou know you're in for a treat when you boot up Exodus and you're treated to a loading screen. That's right. An NES game with a loading screen. Obviously that means Wisdom Tree was pushing the hardware to it's limits all Hideo Kojima-like and bringing the NES to a whole new level, right?Great job, guys!

I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about Wisdom Tree's fucking amazing music. The music in Wisdom Tree games are so good, you start to think of them as being the same song. Because they're that good. The games all use this really bizarre minimalist music style that either vaguely copies some public domain worship song or trails off into psychotic nonsense. Whatever the case may be, you better get used to them, because whatever piece of music you hear at the beginning of the game is what you're going to be hearing for the rest of the game. I mean, cause really, what other songs could you need besides "Father Abraham" on loop in a puzzle game with ostensibly 80+ levels?

I say ostensibly because that's my fancy way of saying that I didn't play through this whole game. I didn't even really play up to level 80. I just know this because the developers included a wacky level skip feature at the start of the game. I have to assume it's sort of a silent apology to all the evangelist children around the country who got this box of poop for Christmas. Exodus is a game about Moses being in a mine somewhere doing something. It's basically a gigantic Boulderdash ripoff, except you get to shoot HEATHENS with W's that come out of your Moses Wand . The goal of each level is to snag all the bottles of M, which is either milk or Moses Juice (hopefully the later). Along the way, you'll avoid HEATHENS who take something like 5 shots to kill (I mean CONVERT) and pick up power ups that don't seem to really do anything.And I don't want you guys to think this is some sort of weakass linear casual game made for the uneducated casual gaming masses. Exodus is about making complex moral decisions, like deciding if your zombie midwife soldiers should kill ALL of the babies or just the boy babies, and then watch it all play out in a gripping, detailed cinematic cutscene. Exodus is a game about choices. It's a game about physics that are so excellent that they don't need to make sense. It's about reassuring parents about the religious content by throwing in random esoteric bible quizzes. But most of all, it's about you, the player.

Up next, we bring you 3 more exciting Wisdom Tree games, all of which are actually collections of 3 games. Also, Left Behind!?: ETERNAL FORCES!? Stay ever vigilant, and remember: it's not a real game unless your pal and mine, J.C., is right there with it.

Game Log #4

Since last time, I:

-Beat the inverted castle in Symphony of the Night. Fun game, ridiculously easy final boss fight. Might have had something to do with how high I had leveled up by then. Started a file as Richter and made it to the Marble Gallery. I'll probably play through the game again with Richter at some point, but other matters are more pressing.

- On a whim, I decided to pick up where I left off on my last attempt to replay Half-Life 2 (thus making it my third of fourth playthrough). I picked it up about halfway through the ride to Nova Prospekt. I think for some reason this time, I'm really noticing what a handicap using a console controller is on this sort of game. It's still totally playable, but the feeling of "this would be a hell of a lot easier with a mouse" is there. And it wasn't, really, the last few times I've played the game.

- Played some Ikaruga, got the shit kicked out of me.

Up next, maybe I'll actually play Dragon Quest 8. But don't count on it.